I'm working on a collection of lyrics for an artwork/ album writing experiment dealing with types of sin that keep us from experiencing the kingdom of God right now in our lives. talking about the kingdom's work in our lives and how we can overcome different types of "distractors" from our work. let me know what you think. i hope to write something new every week...my goal will have to be every night. i'd love response to these lyrics
Kingdoms Divide Crowns
I look at you the way I shouldn’t
And it’s only from temptation
Anger, yet greed reside
Grips of strife alive
Abnormal, religious equilibrium
The way one justifies their sin
You’re different, blind
Anger, yet greed reside
Chorus
Hell of a place to be
Heaven’s sake is here
Kingdoms divide crowns
That are worn around
Describing lives torn
Kingdoms divide crowns
Picturing the touch, the lips
Thinking of dangerous figments
Guilt, yet lust reside
Grips of strife alive
Superficial, privately produced
The way one seduces sin
You’re different, wrong
Guilt, yet lust reside
Chorus
Hell of a place to be
Heaven’s sake is here
Kingdoms divide crowns
That are worn around
Describing lives torn
Kingdoms divide crowns
Bridge
Thorns that pierce, bleeding veins
Dripping the sin, dropping the sin
Tears that hurt, painful saline
Dripping the pain, dropping the pain
Chorus
Hell of a place to be
Heaven’s sake is here
Kingdoms divide crowns
That are worn around
Describing lives torn
Kingdoms divide crowns
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
It's Time to Put The Armor On
This weekend was filled with it's emotional baggage.
Saturday
Saturday ended up being AWESOME! Went to hang out with Sydney and we just lazied around all day. Watched movies, ate chinese, painted our nails, went to kroger to get ice cream. We invited Candace to come over...and me being the brat that I'm known for, I came up with a brilliant plan: halloween costumes + hiding + dark place + jumping out at candace without knowing = awesome scare time. So, Syd and i found some old costumes she had in her basement. We got the video cameras ready. Candace was pulling into the driveway, so we scurried and hid. Candace came in, looking for us. We were so anxious to scare her. THEN...SYDNEY RUINED IT. She started to laugh uncontrollably. Candace wasn't scared at ALL. She just looked at us like we were dumb. It's all on video. Sydney running toward Candace in disappointment, rolling on the floor laughing and me yelling at her for ruining it. It was awesome.
Sydney found her old "Barney and Friends" tapes and started watching those. Candace and I pulled the prank to turn the tv off over and over again. Eventually Sydney leashed out and screamed, stealing the remote from us. It was a fun night. I didn't get to sleep until 3am...mind was racing.
Sunday
Got up at 6am...but 3 hours of sleep was enough for me. i felt energized and ready to go. I was excited for the day. Played drums for main service, got to have an amazing bonding time with Laney about the college ministry. Then, the day started to go downhill and Satan wanted nothing more than to tear me down. Students were being apprehensive of the high school/ college age split in our student ministry. few of them decided to gather out in the common area and do their own thing, and i got in trouble for it by security. i had to go split them up and tell them to go into service. they said ok but didn't move. i shared with them my disappointment and told them to go inside. i was already starting to see this ministry getting hit by the hurt of the split. i went back to get ready to play drums, and then it hit me. i don't know how much more of this i can take. I'm so tired of my ministry job. i want to give up. students kept coming up to me telling me that the split is stupid. enough negative hit on a person really weighs them down. i started to choke up, but i had to play drums. i was tearing up the whole time. i didn't want the stress to take over my goals. but it was. i was ready to leave this ministry on top of other frustrations going on.
a student texted for me on my phone to a concerned student asking about the college age/ high school split. they answered inappropriately and that just put me on edge. i walked out after service to say my goodbyes to people, really wanting the day to be over. cindy copeland came up to me and knew something was wrong. i just hugged her and poured out my heart. i wanted to quit. she just hugged me and i started to choke up. she said the right words. then i saw megan sampson, and I asked her to pray for me. she did, and i started crying like a baby. i NEVER cry. i did Sunday. i was left very drained. then I saw Sydney, my best friend who knows more about me than anyone. she knew something was wrong and just hugged me as hard as she possibly could. she had plans to go to lunch with laney, but she said if i needed her, she would drop what's going on. i hesitated, but i started to cry and told her i needed her. she's a true friend.
i explained to her my frustrations, how i hate that people don't find me human, but expect me to be some "superman" for everyone. i know, i'm called to ministry. I can handle all of this. but sunday, i couldn't. i just broke down. she just listened and helped me. i felt better after she prayed with me and just encouraged me. i felt better to release everything. she carries so much burden for me...and i feel so bad, but she wants to.
So, putting the armor on, i moved on. i stood up tall and took the fight. then i had a college student who attended remix (after me having multiple conversations with him about not being able to attend anymore) come to challenge my leadership. i had to send him home. he was incredibly resistant. that broke my heart having to do that. but in order to make the college ministry grow, i have to cut them off from the high school ministry. it's time for them to grow up. remix went well. it was weird, having less people, but it will turn out to be healthy, and God has assured me with that. we all talked about the change openly, and the students seem to be on the same page as me now, just hurt. remix ended, and i was SOOOO glad i didn't have to deal with any more crap for the evening. just going to relax with candace, deal with crap later. i was ready for the day to be over. i felt like remix was really good, but just emotionally drained. i was numb to so much stuff.
then, it happened. something else that was hard to handle. i'm not gonna mention specifics. but at that point, i was at an all time low and didn't know how to react to anything anymore. it was ok though. it was peaceful. it was hard, but its odd how God gave me the strength I needed to handle the situation. Then to top that off, i got a hate email from the parent of the student i had to send home. BUT, God gave me strength. I didn't reply...yet..haha.
Monday
Monday...was really hard. Feeling numb, crying to Candace (and she had never seen me cry in the 6 years we've known each other). I carry all my stress in my shoulders and neck, so my body was incredibly fatigued. Just trying to find enough strength to get rid of the pain. I took a nice hot bath and just prayed for an hour for God to give me strength and those around me that I care about strength to overcome Satan's attacks on our church and our staff. It always seems like it happens right around this time every year. It's clock work. I relaxed all day, talked with Candace and Syd, and just really felt God gave them the right words to say to give me strength.
It's sooooo odd how God has given me strength in my life to overcome stuff. I remember when my grandfather died, hearing that news on my way to Lexington, KY for a retreat. I was stuck there for 3 days. The day I got back was the funeral. I kept strong that whole weekend until I got home to see my mother, crying in my chair in hurt. I hate the feeling of crying, but its moments like these that I know GOD really provides suffient strength for those who are weak. I know my situation is NOTHING compared to others, but it's still a hurt. I'm thankful for people in my life that can help comfort, but more thankful for a God that provides peace BEYOND understanding (wow) and comfort.
God has a plan. I'm here to follow it. I'm his servant, and whatever I'm called to do, I will do. I really do love my job. Ministry just really wears you out. I've learned this weekend that my student ministry, my best friends, those I entrust much with...are helping carry the weight. They are edifying the body of Christ.
Christ gave those gifts to prepare God's holy people for the work of serving, to make the body of Christ stronger
I need to let them carry my weight, to pray for me, but for me to be that strong leader and show the example of Christ I'm supposed to be. God, continue to grant me strength. I'm tired. But I'm not about to give up. It's time to put the armor on.
Saturday
Saturday ended up being AWESOME! Went to hang out with Sydney and we just lazied around all day. Watched movies, ate chinese, painted our nails, went to kroger to get ice cream. We invited Candace to come over...and me being the brat that I'm known for, I came up with a brilliant plan: halloween costumes + hiding + dark place + jumping out at candace without knowing = awesome scare time. So, Syd and i found some old costumes she had in her basement. We got the video cameras ready. Candace was pulling into the driveway, so we scurried and hid. Candace came in, looking for us. We were so anxious to scare her. THEN...SYDNEY RUINED IT. She started to laugh uncontrollably. Candace wasn't scared at ALL. She just looked at us like we were dumb. It's all on video. Sydney running toward Candace in disappointment, rolling on the floor laughing and me yelling at her for ruining it. It was awesome.
Sydney found her old "Barney and Friends" tapes and started watching those. Candace and I pulled the prank to turn the tv off over and over again. Eventually Sydney leashed out and screamed, stealing the remote from us. It was a fun night. I didn't get to sleep until 3am...mind was racing.
Sunday
Got up at 6am...but 3 hours of sleep was enough for me. i felt energized and ready to go. I was excited for the day. Played drums for main service, got to have an amazing bonding time with Laney about the college ministry. Then, the day started to go downhill and Satan wanted nothing more than to tear me down. Students were being apprehensive of the high school/ college age split in our student ministry. few of them decided to gather out in the common area and do their own thing, and i got in trouble for it by security. i had to go split them up and tell them to go into service. they said ok but didn't move. i shared with them my disappointment and told them to go inside. i was already starting to see this ministry getting hit by the hurt of the split. i went back to get ready to play drums, and then it hit me. i don't know how much more of this i can take. I'm so tired of my ministry job. i want to give up. students kept coming up to me telling me that the split is stupid. enough negative hit on a person really weighs them down. i started to choke up, but i had to play drums. i was tearing up the whole time. i didn't want the stress to take over my goals. but it was. i was ready to leave this ministry on top of other frustrations going on.
a student texted for me on my phone to a concerned student asking about the college age/ high school split. they answered inappropriately and that just put me on edge. i walked out after service to say my goodbyes to people, really wanting the day to be over. cindy copeland came up to me and knew something was wrong. i just hugged her and poured out my heart. i wanted to quit. she just hugged me and i started to choke up. she said the right words. then i saw megan sampson, and I asked her to pray for me. she did, and i started crying like a baby. i NEVER cry. i did Sunday. i was left very drained. then I saw Sydney, my best friend who knows more about me than anyone. she knew something was wrong and just hugged me as hard as she possibly could. she had plans to go to lunch with laney, but she said if i needed her, she would drop what's going on. i hesitated, but i started to cry and told her i needed her. she's a true friend.
i explained to her my frustrations, how i hate that people don't find me human, but expect me to be some "superman" for everyone. i know, i'm called to ministry. I can handle all of this. but sunday, i couldn't. i just broke down. she just listened and helped me. i felt better after she prayed with me and just encouraged me. i felt better to release everything. she carries so much burden for me...and i feel so bad, but she wants to.
So, putting the armor on, i moved on. i stood up tall and took the fight. then i had a college student who attended remix (after me having multiple conversations with him about not being able to attend anymore) come to challenge my leadership. i had to send him home. he was incredibly resistant. that broke my heart having to do that. but in order to make the college ministry grow, i have to cut them off from the high school ministry. it's time for them to grow up. remix went well. it was weird, having less people, but it will turn out to be healthy, and God has assured me with that. we all talked about the change openly, and the students seem to be on the same page as me now, just hurt. remix ended, and i was SOOOO glad i didn't have to deal with any more crap for the evening. just going to relax with candace, deal with crap later. i was ready for the day to be over. i felt like remix was really good, but just emotionally drained. i was numb to so much stuff.
then, it happened. something else that was hard to handle. i'm not gonna mention specifics. but at that point, i was at an all time low and didn't know how to react to anything anymore. it was ok though. it was peaceful. it was hard, but its odd how God gave me the strength I needed to handle the situation. Then to top that off, i got a hate email from the parent of the student i had to send home. BUT, God gave me strength. I didn't reply...yet..haha.
Monday
Monday...was really hard. Feeling numb, crying to Candace (and she had never seen me cry in the 6 years we've known each other). I carry all my stress in my shoulders and neck, so my body was incredibly fatigued. Just trying to find enough strength to get rid of the pain. I took a nice hot bath and just prayed for an hour for God to give me strength and those around me that I care about strength to overcome Satan's attacks on our church and our staff. It always seems like it happens right around this time every year. It's clock work. I relaxed all day, talked with Candace and Syd, and just really felt God gave them the right words to say to give me strength.
It's sooooo odd how God has given me strength in my life to overcome stuff. I remember when my grandfather died, hearing that news on my way to Lexington, KY for a retreat. I was stuck there for 3 days. The day I got back was the funeral. I kept strong that whole weekend until I got home to see my mother, crying in my chair in hurt. I hate the feeling of crying, but its moments like these that I know GOD really provides suffient strength for those who are weak. I know my situation is NOTHING compared to others, but it's still a hurt. I'm thankful for people in my life that can help comfort, but more thankful for a God that provides peace BEYOND understanding (wow) and comfort.
God has a plan. I'm here to follow it. I'm his servant, and whatever I'm called to do, I will do. I really do love my job. Ministry just really wears you out. I've learned this weekend that my student ministry, my best friends, those I entrust much with...are helping carry the weight. They are edifying the body of Christ.
Christ gave those gifts to prepare God's holy people for the work of serving, to make the body of Christ stronger
I need to let them carry my weight, to pray for me, but for me to be that strong leader and show the example of Christ I'm supposed to be. God, continue to grant me strength. I'm tired. But I'm not about to give up. It's time to put the armor on.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Response: unChristian [anti-homosexual]
sermon series
so for the past month, I've been praying about what the students at Remix need to hear to become effective kingdom workers. Reading part of "unChristian", a Barna Research book with conducted studies by Gabe Lyons, has inspired me. It challenges the church to consider the hurt the "outsiders" have against our own community ("the church"). Chapters titling: Hypocritical, Antihomosexual, too political, sheltered, judgmental, saving, etc....each chapter deals with the outsider's criticism. it pains me to read it, but inspires me to change.
anti-homosexual
after reading this chapter, it really made me want to respond. reading this journal entry I made on my Mac might help you to enter my world a bit. it will describe background of a family member and probably why I'm so sensitive to this subject. i hope this challenges you. sorry if this might tend to be too "lovey dovey, jaki seems a bit liberal here"...but hopefully it makes sense. i'd love your comments. i'm debating on using this for when i speak about this to the kids....(and pardon any cussing).
alright, enjoy
the journal entry
A mental Hell most days: struggling with invading thoughts provoked by media, sexual curiosity, and the sin that entangles her, though, it’s something that no righteous person could admit. It’s the “worst” sin and it resides in her head. It knows very well it’s not welcome. The thoughts and dreams that seep through, creating lust that seems unavoidable. Its curiosity seems acceptable to entertain from time to time, but that’s the grip sin has.
“No. This isn’t me. Why do I think these things? Why do they invade my dreams? Why do these thoughts annoy my head?”.
Waking up and finding it to stretch at the pit of Ashlyn’s stomach; vomiting sounds more pleasurable. The dream.
“WHY! It pisses me off. THIS ISN’T ME!”,
as she quietly thinks, yet it’s louder than a gong’s resound. Pictures mentally ingrained. Shaking her head as hard as possible to relieve some of the pressure of this lusted, unwanted sin. Prayer, prayer (prayer, prayer), prayer....sigh. Tears stream down her face.
“Girls don’t struggle with this. Christians don’t struggle with this. What’s wrong with me?”.
She’s afraid to go back to sleep in fear of the pleasure her sinful mind entertains. But, now, that dream affects the rest of her day, because that dream involved the same sex.
“What in the HELL brought on that kind of dream? I FUCKING hate that!”
It’s a battle. A continuum. The continual invasion of those who struggle with thoughts of homosexuality. It’s embarrassing. Nobody understands because nobody admits those types of thoughts. The only people willing to share are those who gave in to the sin. The ones who say “I was born this way”. In no way am I hating on “homosexuals”. Let’s get that straight. My perspective on this has changed much since the private proclamation of a family member surrendering to the sin that won his life. 1 Corinthians 13 is still just as applicable to homosexuals as is to murders, glutinosity, liars, and unwed fornicators. The problem that needs addressed today is the private Hell people, even Christians, live with, that they struggle with these thoughts. They don’t want them to win over their life. This is a sin worth fighting against, just as much as the temptation to kill yourself, to over eat, to curse God, to worship the Jonas Brothers, or to lie to your friend about playing their drumset that they plainly forbid you to touch (Step-Brothers). This is a sin worth fighting against, but the problem lies in the private hell.
It’s something that they want to talk about, admit to someone, but without judgment, without weirdness, without being degraded. They already feel that way.
“God, to just be able to talk to someone about it. I just want to know I’m not alone. Am I alone? Can I trust someone enough to admit this mind maze? I don’t want to be this. I want someone to help me get out of this hell”
All too often, Christians who struggle with homosexual thoughts or fantasies give into the battle, never telling anyone they struggle with it until they decide to live it out. They feel 100% better because they can talk about it, without care. Before, to talk about it would mean the fear of rumors being spread, the church finding out, parents wondering what they did wrong, etc....and this is before they gave into the sin. God, they are only struggling with it, and they don’t even know why.
I’ll bet that if Christians and non-Christians alike were interviewed, most people have had homosexual thoughts. When it’s on TV, internet, magazines, Facebook, when you are friends with a homosexual, it’s displayed, and only you know how your mind works. When it’s ingrained more and more, it’s plays repeat in your head.
I have a friend who can admit ANYTHING to me. Past, present, future struggles. There has been a trust that has been built. No judgment. Just ears to listen, a mouth to give council, and arms ready to embrace with a comforting hug. Knowing that trust I’ve displayed, it plays reverse. Oddly enough, I allow myself to trust this person too. No judgment. Just ears to listen, a mouth to give council and encouragement, and arms ready to embrace with a comforting hug. That person is my best friend because of the trust built. Love. That’s the only word that can truly describe this. What if we were all like that?
Christians are called to love, no matter what. It’s patient, kind, doesn’t envy or boast...and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. Thoughts of lust (any kind, hetero or homo) are a sin, but sometimes our mind is out of our control. To have someone that cares enough to listen to these problems would be MONUMENTAL! Most active homosexuals struggle with this very concept for months, even years, before giving into the lifestyle. Imagine if they could talk about their thoughts with trust before possibly deciding on this lifestyle, trusting someone enough to not judge them, and for that person to be able to pray with them, guiding them away from this private hell. I’d guarantee there would be less people giving into this sin.
Those people who find themselves trapped in this mental dilemma want out. They think they are different. Most of the time, they grow tired of fighting it everyday...and they are ok with being different, being homosexual. Let’s be the church that not only loves homosexuals, but loves those who struggle with it and don’t know why. Let’s be a united force that is trusted and embraces the person before they give in to the lifestyle. So, if you struggle with it, pray for there to be enough trust in someone (parent, best friend?, pastor) that you can overcome these thoughts. If you are that person that someone confides in, don’t be judgmental, weirded out, or scared. Your trust means the world to this generation. You have an important and vital role in today’s society. Change the view of the church and show...love.
so for the past month, I've been praying about what the students at Remix need to hear to become effective kingdom workers. Reading part of "unChristian", a Barna Research book with conducted studies by Gabe Lyons, has inspired me. It challenges the church to consider the hurt the "outsiders" have against our own community ("the church"). Chapters titling: Hypocritical, Antihomosexual, too political, sheltered, judgmental, saving, etc....each chapter deals with the outsider's criticism. it pains me to read it, but inspires me to change.
anti-homosexual
after reading this chapter, it really made me want to respond. reading this journal entry I made on my Mac might help you to enter my world a bit. it will describe background of a family member and probably why I'm so sensitive to this subject. i hope this challenges you. sorry if this might tend to be too "lovey dovey, jaki seems a bit liberal here"...but hopefully it makes sense. i'd love your comments. i'm debating on using this for when i speak about this to the kids....(and pardon any cussing).
alright, enjoy
the journal entry
A mental Hell most days: struggling with invading thoughts provoked by media, sexual curiosity, and the sin that entangles her, though, it’s something that no righteous person could admit. It’s the “worst” sin and it resides in her head. It knows very well it’s not welcome. The thoughts and dreams that seep through, creating lust that seems unavoidable. Its curiosity seems acceptable to entertain from time to time, but that’s the grip sin has.
“No. This isn’t me. Why do I think these things? Why do they invade my dreams? Why do these thoughts annoy my head?”.
Waking up and finding it to stretch at the pit of Ashlyn’s stomach; vomiting sounds more pleasurable. The dream.
“WHY! It pisses me off. THIS ISN’T ME!”,
as she quietly thinks, yet it’s louder than a gong’s resound. Pictures mentally ingrained. Shaking her head as hard as possible to relieve some of the pressure of this lusted, unwanted sin. Prayer, prayer (prayer, prayer), prayer....sigh. Tears stream down her face.
“Girls don’t struggle with this. Christians don’t struggle with this. What’s wrong with me?”.
She’s afraid to go back to sleep in fear of the pleasure her sinful mind entertains. But, now, that dream affects the rest of her day, because that dream involved the same sex.
“What in the HELL brought on that kind of dream? I FUCKING hate that!”
It’s a battle. A continuum. The continual invasion of those who struggle with thoughts of homosexuality. It’s embarrassing. Nobody understands because nobody admits those types of thoughts. The only people willing to share are those who gave in to the sin. The ones who say “I was born this way”. In no way am I hating on “homosexuals”. Let’s get that straight. My perspective on this has changed much since the private proclamation of a family member surrendering to the sin that won his life. 1 Corinthians 13 is still just as applicable to homosexuals as is to murders, glutinosity, liars, and unwed fornicators. The problem that needs addressed today is the private Hell people, even Christians, live with, that they struggle with these thoughts. They don’t want them to win over their life. This is a sin worth fighting against, just as much as the temptation to kill yourself, to over eat, to curse God, to worship the Jonas Brothers, or to lie to your friend about playing their drumset that they plainly forbid you to touch (Step-Brothers). This is a sin worth fighting against, but the problem lies in the private hell.
It’s something that they want to talk about, admit to someone, but without judgment, without weirdness, without being degraded. They already feel that way.
“God, to just be able to talk to someone about it. I just want to know I’m not alone. Am I alone? Can I trust someone enough to admit this mind maze? I don’t want to be this. I want someone to help me get out of this hell”
All too often, Christians who struggle with homosexual thoughts or fantasies give into the battle, never telling anyone they struggle with it until they decide to live it out. They feel 100% better because they can talk about it, without care. Before, to talk about it would mean the fear of rumors being spread, the church finding out, parents wondering what they did wrong, etc....and this is before they gave into the sin. God, they are only struggling with it, and they don’t even know why.
I’ll bet that if Christians and non-Christians alike were interviewed, most people have had homosexual thoughts. When it’s on TV, internet, magazines, Facebook, when you are friends with a homosexual, it’s displayed, and only you know how your mind works. When it’s ingrained more and more, it’s plays repeat in your head.
I have a friend who can admit ANYTHING to me. Past, present, future struggles. There has been a trust that has been built. No judgment. Just ears to listen, a mouth to give council, and arms ready to embrace with a comforting hug. Knowing that trust I’ve displayed, it plays reverse. Oddly enough, I allow myself to trust this person too. No judgment. Just ears to listen, a mouth to give council and encouragement, and arms ready to embrace with a comforting hug. That person is my best friend because of the trust built. Love. That’s the only word that can truly describe this. What if we were all like that?
Christians are called to love, no matter what. It’s patient, kind, doesn’t envy or boast...and doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. Thoughts of lust (any kind, hetero or homo) are a sin, but sometimes our mind is out of our control. To have someone that cares enough to listen to these problems would be MONUMENTAL! Most active homosexuals struggle with this very concept for months, even years, before giving into the lifestyle. Imagine if they could talk about their thoughts with trust before possibly deciding on this lifestyle, trusting someone enough to not judge them, and for that person to be able to pray with them, guiding them away from this private hell. I’d guarantee there would be less people giving into this sin.
Those people who find themselves trapped in this mental dilemma want out. They think they are different. Most of the time, they grow tired of fighting it everyday...and they are ok with being different, being homosexual. Let’s be the church that not only loves homosexuals, but loves those who struggle with it and don’t know why. Let’s be a united force that is trusted and embraces the person before they give in to the lifestyle. So, if you struggle with it, pray for there to be enough trust in someone (parent, best friend?, pastor) that you can overcome these thoughts. If you are that person that someone confides in, don’t be judgmental, weirded out, or scared. Your trust means the world to this generation. You have an important and vital role in today’s society. Change the view of the church and show...love.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
A sign of...?
the issue
back in may, my apartment at the time was broken into. flat screen tv, blue ray dvd player, dvds, 2 guitars, a collection of cds accumulated over 10 years, and a collection of many other things were stolen. I remember the morning walking into my house and seeing all this stuff missing. Choice words were said, and a few very important phone calls were made, those that required the embarrassing question "can i move in with you for a while?". i hate asking questions like that because it means I'm in need of something I can't provide. there was no way I was staying in that house another night.
ever since that day until today and forward, something has been different. I can't put my finger on it. i've felt tired, unmotivated, disinterested in my job, lazy, incredibly fatigued. i've been sleeping too much, unmotivated to get up and do anything responsible. even the smallest tasks seem huge. i've become incredibly apathetic with things I cared about in the past. it has affected my relationships, my excitement has diminished in things I used to be thrilled about! my passion for leading worship has even become a huge burden. i'm not motivated to do anything. i don't like to just sit around and do nothing, but i'm not too thrilled about going to work anymore. for the past 3 months, i've been asking myself "what's wrong with me?".
the conversation
linda and marsha have noticed that something has been different about me. linda asks me every week, and the only answer i have for her is "i'm just really tired, and i don't know why". marsha asked me today if i was ok, and today was a very fatigued day for me (even though i slept 10 hours). i described to her what i said above. i just recently moved again, and i thought maybe that was the issue. she told me she went through this same type of thing when i was her age. the word "depression" was brought up, and I've always thought that it's something people can overcome. but, i've been bugged for 3 months. i've been trying to overcome it. but i've become the laziest procrastinator who has no motivation. i can overcome these things daily. i do. it just takes all of my energy. when I lived with the zimmermans, i didn't have time to think about it. i would consume my time hanging out with the family. but, i found myself whining more, being more negative. maybe that's just me being my true self around Sydney, but all these things seemed unlike me. i've become more emotional. that's weird for me. marsha suggested i go to the doctor to find out what is wrong. i thought for a bit that maybe i have mono. then when she mentioned that word, i looked up the symptoms, and i match quite a few. gross. i don't want to deal with that.
the soluition?
i called my doctor today and made an appointment. next friday at 10:15. i'm hoping i can find an answer to my change of mood. even CIY was odd for me this year. any time i'm around my girl friends (nataly, candace, sydney), I'm fine. I'm able to take my mind off of it. it's when I'm alone in my head that I feel like this. it's not normal. i'm tired of feeling this way. maybe i'm just in a funk. i hope, if that's the case, that I can get out of this soon.
i guess i'm asking for prayers. i don't want everyone to know, but i know those who are important to me read this. it's easier to type this stuff. i've been horrible around remembering details lately...eh.
i'm able to lift myself out of this everyday, but it takes all of me to. i'm sorry if it has affected any of my relationships with you all. if the doctors don't have an answer, i'm just gonna use all my strength to get out of this.
back in may, my apartment at the time was broken into. flat screen tv, blue ray dvd player, dvds, 2 guitars, a collection of cds accumulated over 10 years, and a collection of many other things were stolen. I remember the morning walking into my house and seeing all this stuff missing. Choice words were said, and a few very important phone calls were made, those that required the embarrassing question "can i move in with you for a while?". i hate asking questions like that because it means I'm in need of something I can't provide. there was no way I was staying in that house another night.
ever since that day until today and forward, something has been different. I can't put my finger on it. i've felt tired, unmotivated, disinterested in my job, lazy, incredibly fatigued. i've been sleeping too much, unmotivated to get up and do anything responsible. even the smallest tasks seem huge. i've become incredibly apathetic with things I cared about in the past. it has affected my relationships, my excitement has diminished in things I used to be thrilled about! my passion for leading worship has even become a huge burden. i'm not motivated to do anything. i don't like to just sit around and do nothing, but i'm not too thrilled about going to work anymore. for the past 3 months, i've been asking myself "what's wrong with me?".
the conversation
linda and marsha have noticed that something has been different about me. linda asks me every week, and the only answer i have for her is "i'm just really tired, and i don't know why". marsha asked me today if i was ok, and today was a very fatigued day for me (even though i slept 10 hours). i described to her what i said above. i just recently moved again, and i thought maybe that was the issue. she told me she went through this same type of thing when i was her age. the word "depression" was brought up, and I've always thought that it's something people can overcome. but, i've been bugged for 3 months. i've been trying to overcome it. but i've become the laziest procrastinator who has no motivation. i can overcome these things daily. i do. it just takes all of my energy. when I lived with the zimmermans, i didn't have time to think about it. i would consume my time hanging out with the family. but, i found myself whining more, being more negative. maybe that's just me being my true self around Sydney, but all these things seemed unlike me. i've become more emotional. that's weird for me. marsha suggested i go to the doctor to find out what is wrong. i thought for a bit that maybe i have mono. then when she mentioned that word, i looked up the symptoms, and i match quite a few. gross. i don't want to deal with that.
the soluition?
i called my doctor today and made an appointment. next friday at 10:15. i'm hoping i can find an answer to my change of mood. even CIY was odd for me this year. any time i'm around my girl friends (nataly, candace, sydney), I'm fine. I'm able to take my mind off of it. it's when I'm alone in my head that I feel like this. it's not normal. i'm tired of feeling this way. maybe i'm just in a funk. i hope, if that's the case, that I can get out of this soon.
i guess i'm asking for prayers. i don't want everyone to know, but i know those who are important to me read this. it's easier to type this stuff. i've been horrible around remembering details lately...eh.
i'm able to lift myself out of this everyday, but it takes all of me to. i'm sorry if it has affected any of my relationships with you all. if the doctors don't have an answer, i'm just gonna use all my strength to get out of this.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
8.23.09
the blogspot's old spot
well, i used to blog alot as a "newb" to youth ministry, so students could read some stupid updates on my life. they didn't make any sense and i did it for more for fun. eventually i became very bored with them, and just stopped. i think i had 2-3 faithful readers. facebook took over my networking in youth ministry, and my old blogspot failed to remain interesting to me.
the reason for the new blogspot
the resurrection of my blogspot commitment spauned from my boyfriend, andrew. he has recently decided to activiate an account to blog periodically...and it's always interesting reading his posts. i have had the chance to know him better because of the blog, so i figured this could be a positive effect vice versa.
so jaki, enough talking. what are you blogging about!
today was a very good day, ministry wise, for me. let me explain.
(beam me up, scotty...aka, visit the world of jaki)
last night, at the beneath show, i received a text message from nick hamm, one of my speakers for the student ministry. he drank milk from an expired milk gallon...and apparently had the brutal effects of food poisoning. he was scheduled to speak that next morning, but that definitely wasn't happening. plans changed. i do not feel confident with my speaking skills, and because of my recent "lazyiness spell", i freak out with things like that. BUT...i stayed calm. i mentioned this dilemma with my student Chanel...and we both suggested the same person to speak. Sydney. So, texting like 14 year olds with smoke coming from our frantically-moving fingers, we proposed this "sure to get shot down" idea. thank the Lord, she wanted to speak.
knowing her mother and family very well, Sydney can talk about anything with passion. i knew she would be fine. her and Chanel decided to both speak...on what, they weren't sure, but they were not about to let the student ministry down. they wanted to back up nick and i.
they both stayed the night with me. little sleep had (mostly because sydney is a bed hog, but i'm not bitter). morning comes, we prepare the message, and decide to do a very "chill" morning.
//side note: i am growing very tired of programming at church...(this should be a separate blog//
the service starts, and we circled up and sang some songs and talked. it was very chill. sharing scriptures that gave us strength, Syd asking for advice on how to talk to those who don't want to believe in God...all in all, students were really diving into scriptures that give them strength. open discussion, no pressure, and examples from Syd and Chanel, this became something that would mold the rest of the day.
throughout the whole day, students were reading scriptures, diving into what gives them strength to persevere. yes, we emphasize every week the importance of reading scripture to develop a deeper relationship with Christ, but since it was coming from two students, that makes it more alive (coming from peers). God was really working through these students...
one was wanting to leave the ministry the morning she came. then, she went home after that message, found a video on youtube, and found scriptures ironically that helped Sydney with her question that morning. God was revealing to this person that they were not done...and that they shouldn't give up on God, ever.
i saw more students open up their bibles and hearts today than I have in a while. it was encouraging. maybe because i finally slowed down and allowed myself to listen...
i've decided, when i get less sleep like that, it relaxes me the whole day, and allows me to be less uptight, and ironically more available for the students. i had many deep conversations today,
remix happened as usual, and i felt like students were listening to what was going on. i've felt very discouraged lately about my ability to do this job. it's hard when you hear negative criticism about your job to feel confident about what you are doing, but thankfully, it just pushes me to try harder. but at campfire today, candace reiterated my curriculum and said she loved the way i worded the end of the lesson. her words encouraged me.
i really want to continue to be used by God, but i have to be honest...sometimes I just want to give up. i want other people to step up, and i want this to be purposeful and meaningful instead of stressful and bland. programming....errrr. it's what it will do to you. avoiding the real purpose. this job wears me out. it would be easier to quit. but i need to persevere. ephesians 5:10.
and the girl emotions
friday i moved out of the zimmermans, which i lived with them for 3 months this summer after a break in at my apartment in price hill. i'm incredibly close to this family, especially sydney and garrett. i'm typically not the emotional type. i've learned to be strong and not let things bother me. but...i've been a baby for month. on the verge of tears constantly. what is happening to me!!!? weird. i finally packed up, and said goodbye to ed...and tears were welling up. i couldn't look at him. i had to get out. i don't like people seeing me cry...ever. sydney saw a few "almost" tears happen a few weeks ago. that was scary for her. ha. but every time i see the family now, i crave to hug them. i miss living with them, but our relationship won't change too much. i have so much love for this family, and it has been hard re-adjusting to my new place. it's nice, and i'm excited to get to know this family more, but it's adjustment. i have been in tears this weekend. tears hurt. but once you cry it out, it feels good.
the first day gone, sydney texts me saying "i love you", "come home". ahhhhh. yeah, that was hard to read. i love the feeling of being missed. i know that family loves me alot.
girl emotions SUCK! i hate crying. why!?
peace out, girl scout
the things i blog about hold alot of meaning to me. here is the generality of my head right now. if you want specifics, you can ask. :) later, thin mints, shortbread, and dos-i-does.
well, i used to blog alot as a "newb" to youth ministry, so students could read some stupid updates on my life. they didn't make any sense and i did it for more for fun. eventually i became very bored with them, and just stopped. i think i had 2-3 faithful readers. facebook took over my networking in youth ministry, and my old blogspot failed to remain interesting to me.
the reason for the new blogspot
the resurrection of my blogspot commitment spauned from my boyfriend, andrew. he has recently decided to activiate an account to blog periodically...and it's always interesting reading his posts. i have had the chance to know him better because of the blog, so i figured this could be a positive effect vice versa.
so jaki, enough talking. what are you blogging about!
today was a very good day, ministry wise, for me. let me explain.
(beam me up, scotty...aka, visit the world of jaki)
last night, at the beneath show, i received a text message from nick hamm, one of my speakers for the student ministry. he drank milk from an expired milk gallon...and apparently had the brutal effects of food poisoning. he was scheduled to speak that next morning, but that definitely wasn't happening. plans changed. i do not feel confident with my speaking skills, and because of my recent "lazyiness spell", i freak out with things like that. BUT...i stayed calm. i mentioned this dilemma with my student Chanel...and we both suggested the same person to speak. Sydney. So, texting like 14 year olds with smoke coming from our frantically-moving fingers, we proposed this "sure to get shot down" idea. thank the Lord, she wanted to speak.
knowing her mother and family very well, Sydney can talk about anything with passion. i knew she would be fine. her and Chanel decided to both speak...on what, they weren't sure, but they were not about to let the student ministry down. they wanted to back up nick and i.
they both stayed the night with me. little sleep had (mostly because sydney is a bed hog, but i'm not bitter). morning comes, we prepare the message, and decide to do a very "chill" morning.
//side note: i am growing very tired of programming at church...(this should be a separate blog//
the service starts, and we circled up and sang some songs and talked. it was very chill. sharing scriptures that gave us strength, Syd asking for advice on how to talk to those who don't want to believe in God...all in all, students were really diving into scriptures that give them strength. open discussion, no pressure, and examples from Syd and Chanel, this became something that would mold the rest of the day.
throughout the whole day, students were reading scriptures, diving into what gives them strength to persevere. yes, we emphasize every week the importance of reading scripture to develop a deeper relationship with Christ, but since it was coming from two students, that makes it more alive (coming from peers). God was really working through these students...
one was wanting to leave the ministry the morning she came. then, she went home after that message, found a video on youtube, and found scriptures ironically that helped Sydney with her question that morning. God was revealing to this person that they were not done...and that they shouldn't give up on God, ever.
i saw more students open up their bibles and hearts today than I have in a while. it was encouraging. maybe because i finally slowed down and allowed myself to listen...
i've decided, when i get less sleep like that, it relaxes me the whole day, and allows me to be less uptight, and ironically more available for the students. i had many deep conversations today,
remix happened as usual, and i felt like students were listening to what was going on. i've felt very discouraged lately about my ability to do this job. it's hard when you hear negative criticism about your job to feel confident about what you are doing, but thankfully, it just pushes me to try harder. but at campfire today, candace reiterated my curriculum and said she loved the way i worded the end of the lesson. her words encouraged me.
i really want to continue to be used by God, but i have to be honest...sometimes I just want to give up. i want other people to step up, and i want this to be purposeful and meaningful instead of stressful and bland. programming....errrr. it's what it will do to you. avoiding the real purpose. this job wears me out. it would be easier to quit. but i need to persevere. ephesians 5:10.
and the girl emotions
friday i moved out of the zimmermans, which i lived with them for 3 months this summer after a break in at my apartment in price hill. i'm incredibly close to this family, especially sydney and garrett. i'm typically not the emotional type. i've learned to be strong and not let things bother me. but...i've been a baby for month. on the verge of tears constantly. what is happening to me!!!? weird. i finally packed up, and said goodbye to ed...and tears were welling up. i couldn't look at him. i had to get out. i don't like people seeing me cry...ever. sydney saw a few "almost" tears happen a few weeks ago. that was scary for her. ha. but every time i see the family now, i crave to hug them. i miss living with them, but our relationship won't change too much. i have so much love for this family, and it has been hard re-adjusting to my new place. it's nice, and i'm excited to get to know this family more, but it's adjustment. i have been in tears this weekend. tears hurt. but once you cry it out, it feels good.
the first day gone, sydney texts me saying "i love you", "come home". ahhhhh. yeah, that was hard to read. i love the feeling of being missed. i know that family loves me alot.
girl emotions SUCK! i hate crying. why!?
peace out, girl scout
the things i blog about hold alot of meaning to me. here is the generality of my head right now. if you want specifics, you can ask. :) later, thin mints, shortbread, and dos-i-does.
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