It's Time to Put The Armor On

This weekend was filled with it's emotional baggage.

Saturday
Saturday ended up being AWESOME! Went to hang out with Sydney and we just lazied around all day. Watched movies, ate chinese, painted our nails, went to kroger to get ice cream. We invited Candace to come over...and me being the brat that I'm known for, I came up with a brilliant plan: halloween costumes + hiding + dark place + jumping out at candace without knowing = awesome scare time. So, Syd and i found some old costumes she had in her basement. We got the video cameras ready. Candace was pulling into the driveway, so we scurried and hid. Candace came in, looking for us. We were so anxious to scare her. THEN...SYDNEY RUINED IT. She started to laugh uncontrollably. Candace wasn't scared at ALL. She just looked at us like we were dumb. It's all on video. Sydney running toward Candace in disappointment, rolling on the floor laughing and me yelling at her for ruining it. It was awesome.

Sydney found her old "Barney and Friends" tapes and started watching those. Candace and I pulled the prank to turn the tv off over and over again. Eventually Sydney leashed out and screamed, stealing the remote from us. It was a fun night. I didn't get to sleep until 3am...mind was racing.

Sunday
Got up at 6am...but 3 hours of sleep was enough for me. i felt energized and ready to go. I was excited for the day. Played drums for main service, got to have an amazing bonding time with Laney about the college ministry. Then, the day started to go downhill and Satan wanted nothing more than to tear me down. Students were being apprehensive of the high school/ college age split in our student ministry. few of them decided to gather out in the common area and do their own thing, and i got in trouble for it by security. i had to go split them up and tell them to go into service. they said ok but didn't move. i shared with them my disappointment and told them to go inside. i was already starting to see this ministry getting hit by the hurt of the split. i went back to get ready to play drums, and then it hit me. i don't know how much more of this i can take. I'm so tired of my ministry job. i want to give up. students kept coming up to me telling me that the split is stupid. enough negative hit on a person really weighs them down. i started to choke up, but i had to play drums. i was tearing up the whole time. i didn't want the stress to take over my goals. but it was. i was ready to leave this ministry on top of other frustrations going on.

a student texted for me on my phone to a concerned student asking about the college age/ high school split. they answered inappropriately and that just put me on edge. i walked out after service to say my goodbyes to people, really wanting the day to be over. cindy copeland came up to me and knew something was wrong. i just hugged her and poured out my heart. i wanted to quit. she just hugged me and i started to choke up. she said the right words. then i saw megan sampson, and I asked her to pray for me. she did, and i started crying like a baby. i NEVER cry. i did Sunday. i was left very drained. then I saw Sydney, my best friend who knows more about me than anyone. she knew something was wrong and just hugged me as hard as she possibly could. she had plans to go to lunch with laney, but she said if i needed her, she would drop what's going on. i hesitated, but i started to cry and told her i needed her. she's a true friend.

i explained to her my frustrations, how i hate that people don't find me human, but expect me to be some "superman" for everyone. i know, i'm called to ministry. I can handle all of this. but sunday, i couldn't. i just broke down. she just listened and helped me. i felt better after she prayed with me and just encouraged me. i felt better to release everything. she carries so much burden for me...and i feel so bad, but she wants to.

So, putting the armor on, i moved on. i stood up tall and took the fight. then i had a college student who attended remix (after me having multiple conversations with him about not being able to attend anymore) come to challenge my leadership. i had to send him home. he was incredibly resistant. that broke my heart having to do that. but in order to make the college ministry grow, i have to cut them off from the high school ministry. it's time for them to grow up. remix went well. it was weird, having less people, but it will turn out to be healthy, and God has assured me with that. we all talked about the change openly, and the students seem to be on the same page as me now, just hurt. remix ended, and i was SOOOO glad i didn't have to deal with any more crap for the evening. just going to relax with candace, deal with crap later. i was ready for the day to be over. i felt like remix was really good, but just emotionally drained. i was numb to so much stuff.

then, it happened. something else that was hard to handle. i'm not gonna mention specifics. but at that point, i was at an all time low and didn't know how to react to anything anymore. it was ok though. it was peaceful. it was hard, but its odd how God gave me the strength I needed to handle the situation. Then to top that off, i got a hate email from the parent of the student i had to send home. BUT, God gave me strength. I didn't reply...yet..haha.

Monday
Monday...was really hard. Feeling numb, crying to Candace (and she had never seen me cry in the 6 years we've known each other). I carry all my stress in my shoulders and neck, so my body was incredibly fatigued. Just trying to find enough strength to get rid of the pain. I took a nice hot bath and just prayed for an hour for God to give me strength and those around me that I care about strength to overcome Satan's attacks on our church and our staff. It always seems like it happens right around this time every year. It's clock work. I relaxed all day, talked with Candace and Syd, and just really felt God gave them the right words to say to give me strength.

It's sooooo odd how God has given me strength in my life to overcome stuff. I remember when my grandfather died, hearing that news on my way to Lexington, KY for a retreat. I was stuck there for 3 days. The day I got back was the funeral. I kept strong that whole weekend until I got home to see my mother, crying in my chair in hurt. I hate the feeling of crying, but its moments like these that I know GOD really provides suffient strength for those who are weak. I know my situation is NOTHING compared to others, but it's still a hurt. I'm thankful for people in my life that can help comfort, but more thankful for a God that provides peace BEYOND understanding (wow) and comfort.

God has a plan. I'm here to follow it. I'm his servant, and whatever I'm called to do, I will do. I really do love my job. Ministry just really wears you out. I've learned this weekend that my student ministry, my best friends, those I entrust much with...are helping carry the weight. They are edifying the body of Christ.

Christ gave those gifts to prepare God's holy people for the work of serving, to make the body of Christ stronger

I need to let them carry my weight, to pray for me, but for me to be that strong leader and show the example of Christ I'm supposed to be. God, continue to grant me strength. I'm tired. But I'm not about to give up. It's time to put the armor on.